I feel swollen,
with all that i have consumed intentionally and accidentally, with intention, and without thought. And exposure en mass can leave the body feeling stunted, the mind feeling dead. Exposure.
Protected living may keep the body in perfect shape, may keep the flesh young, may keep the mind pure... But this is luxury,
(as much as is exotic experience.)
(Exposure?).
And I'm sitting above the people now, looking at them through a literal window as if they are on tv, as if they are entertaining me,
and I can't seem to decide if life is entertainment or if I am entertaining with all of my existance;
clothes, conversation, and writing.
And now, it is as though I am a receptical: holding you in a private time capsule,
you are preserved for the rest of my life here,
and you may rot, become putrid as the vinegar (fluid of the experience of my life) seeps deeper into your flesh.... when I take you out later to taste the memory, you may be rank and rancid and taste nothing like you did before in my mouth, the first time I tasted you, before you were put away.
In the morning I find that moment of purity before opening my eyes where I rest untainted by the light. This may be why some people never get out of bed; because it is tempting to lie still and try to hold the moment, to remain untainted.
After a conversation with Tamir about not being able to know where you are going without knowing where you want to go I thought maybe it was a good idea to keep moving. After a conversation with Tamar about not being able to think clearly, I thought the woods a good idea. After a conversation with Xevi, I didn´t know where we were going. After talking with Fer I began to doubt motion. After a meeting with Marjo I am preparing breakfast. 24 hours to go. (every day)
good night. there is too much we do not see because there are too many clouds in the atmosphere...I think. Because I spend too much time thinking about all of the possibilities outside of now, it is impossible to see now, I think. There is no way to know what it is like not to be me sitting at a kiosko drinking whisky at 5am with a girl from Israel, luxurious... far from home, vacationing because untill life becomes regular in a place, the place is still a place of holiday... because it is not your real life...
The chair is hot because it´s been occupied for atleast an hour by another prior to my current position. And I find myself here lazy and sound, feeling like maybe I should stick around and find out how much weight I can gain in 2 months time or more (easy when drinking wine every night and strolling at a lazy pace through the city) as people rush past. And the simple tasks are difficult here as they were, and probably always will be: make a phone call, pay the bills, keep the fingers and toes clean and pretty... (never were, never will be.) But here I am, and I received word, question, "you are falling in love?" but this is wrong. It was a statement, "You are falling in love." And I do not have response. I do not have any understanding of my current state. I don´t understand the love I´ve had, the love lost, the love I will leave behind when leaving tomorrow, and though romance is often illusion, I find it to be the most quieting force in the universe.
to fall has such negative connotation, the dreams we have and wake from; falling, leave the bed shaking and wet from sweat. and when asked what it is that we burry, the answer is most often garbage or the dead, but there is the possibility of treasure...somewhere beneath an x somewhere in the desert, and maybe there is the necessity venture first, and there is always risk with conquest but without this there is never change...
and we may fall anywhere on earth, or from the earth at any given moment, and there is fear in this, maybe the question is not why ¨fall¨
but rather, why not?
We play hangman...
and he makes me guess...¨olvidame¨
forget me?
There is the time here where for once I feel calm
but I don´t know this feeling well and in the mornings on the beach or in the city I always feel better because the day is new and with every new day there is the posibility to forget the last and go forward...
but then, while sitting and listening to the city noise, it is impossible to deny that the noise goes on...
and moves outward,
and every sound is continuous like every action,
and we are reponsible...
and maybe this is why as of lately I am afraid to speak,
afraid of responsibility,
and of the permanance of sound and action...
He is romanitic.
and I am still listening to Carissa´s Wierd in South America.
vamos a la playa...
Si? o No?
Wait for me....
I will return on Tuesday...
we can go to the mountains...
Or, as you wish, I will stay behind day by day...
unable to leave the passed days behind
no matter how little I think...
Culture shock? This is what they tell me it is...
because here I am... stay or go from this city.
From this place?
A launching pad for the rest of my life,
as is every day...
and I keep thinking, ¨24 hour party¨ necessary mentality?...
or mayby this is a waste...?
But when I am to pensive I live and learn shit because I am too caught up in my head, which is nothing.... all is nothing... everything?
Some day maybe I will understand what is being said around me...
Some day maybe I will stop caring about what is going on around me...
But then, I do not want to walk down the street uncaring, as I did yesterday,
seeing the man in front of me with his shopping cart over-turned, passed out on the sidewalk, vereda, tattoed, as I am, and handsome....
but here I am, English speaker and unable to say nada, unable to find that place where language is not important... and so here I am... there I was... walking by, only another passing body, as I am here now still... with company, but as alone as each of us are...
there is nothing to subjunct this title.
as the sounds and songs and words of many languages leave traces of shit in the mind and as you must learn to dodge busses and regard the dogs of the city and their feces and guard the soul as you attempt to sharpen the mind, it is difficult not to grow dull as there is nothing to hold as true.
but then, there never was.
oh, and you are beautiful.